Where the dream ends
by UntilTheNight
Summary: Where the dream ends the nightmare begins
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Instant Star or any of its characters. I am in no way affiliated with them either.**

**A/N If _Italics_ is used it will either be a dream sequence or a journal entry.**

**Chapter One**

_**She looked so beautiful sitting there in the front yard with the sun glittering on her long blonde hair. I thought not wanting to interrupt her peacefulness but at the same time wanting her to be excited with me. "Sadie come in here I want you and Mom to hear the new song Tom – err I mean I finished last night" I said excitedly trying not to mention the dreaded "T" word that would inevitably make Sadie stomp off in a huff. "Oh Jude I will be there in about a ½ an hour." **_

"_**Sadie can't you just forget about yourself for a damn minute and do this one thing for me." I replied just a bit hurt that my sister didn't want to rush in and hear the song. "But Jude the sun is just right." She whined at me as she rolled over and closed her eyes. "Thanks Sadie. With a sister like you it makes me wish I was an only child." I retorted nastily. I'll go upstairs and work on the new song I've been playing around with I thought as I walked to my room. As I reached for the door knob I heard the blood curdling scream and then the horrific screech of metal on metal and then the crash of shattering glass.**_

**I woke up startled by what I had just dreamed. "Oh my god that was some dream." I said out loud to no one in particular as I looked around the room. It was then I realized that I didn't recognize the room. Panicking I jumped out of the bed and ran for the door just as it opened. "Hey girl I was just coming to see if you were up yet. Did you sleep well You where a bit out of sorts when you came home last night. Where did you go?" he said as he reached out to pull me into a warming hug. **

"**Tommy, what the hell are you doing?" I cried frantically trying to push him away from me. He looked at me confused, "Trying to give my beautiful wife a hug! What's the matter with you Jude?" he replied exasperated. Her mood swings were really starting to try his patience.**

"**Your wife!" I yelped "Tommy you are my producer you're my sister's ex-boyfriend not to mention I'm way too young for you remember?" I said with deliberate venom in my tone. Tommy just collapsed on the bed hysterically laughing "Oh that's rich Jude! Are you trying to be a stand up comic now too?" Not bothering to hide his amusement. **

"**You're really are starting to piss me off Quincy. You say that like I do so many other things besides write and sing" I said to him now I was getting scared. This didn't make any sense to me. The laughter in his eyes quickly dimmed as genuine concern and then fear flicked through them. "Jude, are you really serious?" he asked as he got up and crossed the room to where I had backed myself into a corner. Real smooth Harrison now he's got you cornered I thought to myself when I realized what I had done. I sank down onto the floor and sighed**

"**Tommy I am deadly serious. The last time I checked I was Jude HARRISON not QUINCY and we were in the studio recording "Saved" and it just didn't sound right so we were going to dig deep until it did" I told him in all honesty. **

**Fear took hold of his heart and gave it a tight squeeze. "Jude that was 5 years ago, you really can't expect me to believe that you have totally forgotten the last 5 years." He said on a long sigh as he reached his hands down to me I instinctively reached my hands into his. That's when I noticed the ring. **

**It was a beautiful 18 karat white gold princess cut diamond with 2 rows of 8 smaller princess cut diamonds on both sides and the matching wedding band glittering on my left hand. I felt like reality punched me in the gut and I jumped up in a panic. "Tommy please help me. What's going on? This has got to be a mistake I mean not a mistake, I mean it's what I always dreamed but it's wrong. You were with Sadie" I said with tears streaming down my face. I searched his eyes for the answers that he always had for me but they weren't there. I only saw pure and naked fear and pain. **

**The pressure had hit him in the chest and knocked him to his knees and with tears in those beautiful eyes he said "Jude call call an ambulance" he told me trying hard to breathe and clutching his chest.**

"**9-1-1 what's your emergency?" the operator squawked in my ear. "I need an ambulance to um to to" I stuttered frantically "Miss please calm down and give me your location" she said to me calmly **

"**I don't know where the hell I am" I wailed at her hoping she could shed some light on that little situation since by now Tommy had passed out. "Please, please send someone I think he's having a heart attack and he's not conscious" I pleaded with her. **

"**Ok miss we are tracing the call to get the location what's happened to your friend? What is your name?" The operator asked trying to soothe me. I was staring at the rings on my left hand as I answered her. "Jude Harri um Quincy and he's he's um Tommy my husband and he was having chest pain I think and he couldn't breathe and he passed out." I rushed out in one breath hoping that she could understand gibberish. **

"**Ok Mrs. Quincy My name is Gail and we have your location and the ambulance has been dispatched it should be there shortly just stay on the line with me until they get there ok hon?" she said calmly. How the hell could she be so calm Tom Quincy I mean THE TOM QUINCY could be dying in front of me an this woman was calm. **

**Just then I heard the sirens approaching "Oh thank god I hear them coming" I told her minutes later there was a banging on the front door and a booming voice shouted "Mrs. Quincy? Paramedics were coming in." and then I heard them coming in and trying to find us. "In the bedroom" I yelled back and dropped the phone and the very calm Gail who had be cooing and soothing me the whole time.**

**As I rode in the ambulance Tommy came to. While I had a million and one frantic thoughts running through my head trying to figure out what was happening to him and to me. "Hold my hand girl. Please I am so scared." Tommy said laboring to breath despite the oxygen mask over his very pale face. **

**This couldn't be happening Tommy is the strong one he's the one that's supposed to hold my hand to take away my fear. "Oh Tommy don't be scared they're going to help you you'll be alright" I said to him hoping it was true as we pulled up to the hospital with my tears flowing freely I prayed that I wouldn't lose the one and only true love I have ever had and the only one I wanted. **

**As they rushed Tommy into the ER they told me to go and give the nurse any information I could at the desk in the waiting room and after they checked Tommy out someone would come and get me. I gave the triage nurse what information I could and sat down in one of those uncomfortable hideously colored plastic chairs that emergency rooms tend to have. I sat there for what seemed like days and cried. **

**I must have fallen asleep from crying so much because it was over 2 hours later when a nurse shook me and told me I could come in and see him. I rushed to his side crying with relief when I saw him sitting up his eyes lighting up as he saw me. "Oh Tommy are you alright? What did they say? When can we go home? Why didn't the Doctor talk to me? Where is he? What happened to you?" I questioned him in rapid fire succession. "Whoa girl slow down. To answer your questions, I'm fine thanks to you. They told me I need to relax and not get so stressed out. In about an hour. He went to talk to you but you were sleeping and you looked exhausted so he let you sleep. He'll be back in a couple of minutes. And finally I had an anxiety attack." He finished hoping that he got the answers in the right order. **

**I let out a loud sigh as though I had been holding my breath "whew you had me really scared Quincy" I said punching his arm lightly. "I could say the same to you Jude. As soon as we get home we have got to talk." He told me. "I know" I said weakly. I was afraid of what he was going to tell me about the last 5 years of my life. I mean what could have been so horrific that I would mentally wipe away 5 years to protect my own sanity?**

**That's all for now. Please let me know what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter Two_

Tommy sat at the table with me and said "Jude I don't know where to begin" I guessed the beginning would have been a good place but I kept that comment to myself because I remember the beginning, and the now, just not the middle and I don't know why that is.

Tommy got up and got the portable CD player and put it in front of me, "I guess we can do this with music accompaniment because music is how you have always communicated" he said thinking of which song to start with. Again he got up this time he went to the CD rack and picked out 5. He put them on the table and I looked at them. 4 of them were mine! Now I was really confused. 1 of them was his. Pointing to his I asked "When did you do this one?"

I was reeling Tommy had gotten so upset with me for suggesting that he work on his solo project. "It was released right after you left on tour to promote your 3rd album shortly after your 18th birthday." He said trying to figure out my thoughts. I helped him out by saying "Were we together then?" "No, I was still trying to work out the logistics of a relationship with you out in my head." He said uncomfortably with a certain amount of pain in his eyes

"Oh Jude this is so hard on me." He sighed shakily. "Sadie is gone. There was a terrible accident and she was killed." He got up and paced the room nervously with tears in his eyes. "WHAT! I don't believe that not for one minute" I screamed at him hoping that what he was saying was a cruel joke. Then I remembered my dream and I put my head down on the table and whispered softly "Tell me how".

He proceeded to tell me my dream that I had that morning. Then he went on to tell me that it was Jamie who had been driving the car and he lost control and careened across the front lawn crushing Sadie between his car, her lawn chair and her car in the driveway. He was paralyzed from the waist down. He hadn't spoken to anyone since then. That was 3 years ago. "The song you remember working on. We recorded it but we never released it because you felt like it would be wrong because of the title." He said and reached for my hand. "Do you have it? I want to hear it" I begged him "Of course I have it. Are you sure you want to do this to yourself?" he asked me skeptically. "Just put it on Quincy" I shouted at him. I sat and watched him put the disc in and closed my eyes to listen:

_Saved_

I opened my eyes,

Barely alive without you

Feeling no pain, I'm not the same without you

Save me! Save me!

Watching you watching me

From afar, I'm drowning

Feeling as though we've been here before

Know what I mean?

There's a river in your eyes and I'm swept away

Breaking inside out, promising to stay  
Together again, a lifetime stranded apart

Save me! Save me!  
Watching you watching me from afar, I'm... reeling.

Feeling as though we've been here before

Know what I mean?

But your river calls to me and I'm swept away

Breaking inside out, promising to stay

Together again, a lifetime stranded apart  
Save me! Save me!

When the song ended I looked at him and said "I wrote that for you didn't I?" Searching his eyes for the answer, He simply nodded and looked away. I didn't think that I could handle anymore but I waited for the rest of the story. Sensing that I was anxious to know the rest he plowed on with the story.

"After the funeral your Mom, well she kind of had a nervous breakdown. She's actually still in the hospital. We usually go to see her after dinner." He said glancing at the clock. "Tonight she can wait Tommy I have to know the rest of this." I told him now knowing some of the horror that my own mind was protecting me from but I also needed to know why it was protecting me now instead of then when it all happened.

"You were finishing recording your 3rd album and it all came crashing down on you. You were essentially left alone. You refused to go live with your father. Although I can't say I blame you. You wanted to stay at the house by yourself. I wouldn't let you so after 2 months of us arguing and me running from your house to my house, to the studio to the hospital, you finally agreed to come and stay here at my house.

It was about six months before I acknowledged that I was still in love with you. And you were denying the very same thing. Yeah we had moments alone at home where you wanted us to be together and then you would push me away and tell me you couldn't do that to Sadie" He finished on a sigh like a weight had been lifted off his chest. "What was I doing while all this was going on?" I implored. "You were writing and recording. The 4th album came out on the heels of the 3rd, you went in a different direction it was darker and more dramatic and the public well they were impressed so Darius arranged a tour. I couldn't go because I was working at a different studio by that time. Let's just say Darius and I didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things so by mutual consent I was cut loose. You were still tied to him. So you went off on tour and you were so mad that I couldn't or wouldn't go that you told me when you came back you were leaving the house and we wouldn't ever work together again. I was so desperate not to lose you that I pushed myself to finish what I had started a year earlier and I released my album. When word got around to you and you finally heard the first song you called me and told me you loved me and you were coming home to be with me the way it should be. Do you want to hear the song?" he asked me hesitantly. I just nodded dumbly.

_Walk in the Shadows_

What? You say you're through with me

I'm not through with you

We've had what others might call love

You say it's over now,

What's done, what's through?

You can't stay away, you need me

I need you

When the fire starts the pain's too much

For your mind

You need attention, what's good is only mine

I can cure the hunger that burns in your heart

Just come to me

I'll take you home

We'll walk in the shadows

By day we'll live in a dream

We'll walk in the shadows

You say you don't feel safe alone tonight

Cause you feel the pressure building in your head

Our secret's safe for one more night

But when the morning comes remember

I'll be with you

We'll walk in the shadows

By day we'll live in a dream

We'll walk in the shadows

One day you'll be with me

If only you believe..

Hearing that song and the way he sang it sent shivers down my spine there was the desperation and the longing that I always felt and of course the promise of things that could be if we did it the right way. I know why after I heard it I called him and told him what I had. But I was now more confused. I waited for the story to continue.

"You didn't want the publicity of our relationship so we decided to keep it to our selves but you know how well that works. There was always speculation and rumor so we had to let it come out. People didn't think that I was such a good guy dating you since I had been involved with Sadie. The common misconception there is that we were still together when she died and you know we weren't" pausing he got up to get a glass of water.

"What did happen with you and Sadie?" I wanted to know since she would never tell me. "When you went out on your first tour and I went away with her I realized then that I could never love her the way I love you and it wouldn't be fair to her. So I gave her the it's not you it's me speech and she hated me for lying to her because she could see right through that. I spent more time on the phone with Georgia and EJ trying to get information and watching the papers for news of you then I did doing anything else and she was pissed off." Now I knew why I wasn't allowed to mention his name in front of her without her stomping off.

"Your contract with Darius was up at this point and you decided you wanted to take a break from all of it. You had been running from the demons haunting you for so long that I took you on an extended vacation. You wanted to go to Las Vegas so that's where we went. We spent your 19th birthday there and we decided to get married. Now before you ask it wasn't a spur of the moment thing we had been discussing it at home and the whole time we were there. It was planned. So on December 10th you became my wife and in 2 weeks it will be our 2nd wedding anniversary." He smiled gently at me the way he did that always made me love him more all over again.

"But didn't we have a big wedding with friends and relatives there?" He gave a little laugh "Nah just Georgia, Ej Kat and Shay flew in for our wedding you didn't want your dad there and your mom really couldn't go." "Shay was there? Why the hell would he be there?" there better be a good answer for this one I was thinking when I was knocked over by the next little tidbit.

"Shay walked you down the aisle and gave you away to me!" he told me trying hard not to laugh at the shock registering on my face. "No wonder my mind has gone blank on me. This is a lot to process. Does my mom know all of this? We couldn't have been cruel enough to torture an already sick woman with all of this could we?" I asked hoping that I would get a flat out no. "Well yes she does know. What she remembers or chooses to remember is a different story" Was that the answer that I wanted? No, most definitely not.

"Tommy you said we go see her every night after dinner it's almost 7:30pm can we still go? Maybe she knows why I forgot everything. Maybe I just need to see her too." He looked at me with all the love in the world in those beautiful blue eyes and told me "Of course we can go but I don't know if your ready for this. You won't get the answers that your looking for."

With that I jumped up and ran out the front door. I was so excited I was like a kid on Christmas morning trying to wake the whole house up so they can open presents. That mood would soon change.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

We pulled up to the Plainview Mental Health Center and I looked at the small brown building sitting in the middle of nowhere. It looked like a giant cardboard box that someone had thrown out in the trash and had now forgotten.

"Tommy she's here? She lives in this god awful place? How did we find this place?" I wondered and of course he had a logical explanation. "This is the only place within 100 miles of our house. It's a good place they treat her really well." "Is she happy here?" I interrupted. "As happy as she knows how to be. Jude she is not the same person you remember." Well I would find that out first hand soon enough.

We got out of the car and walked up to the double glass doors where a big security guard looked at us and said "Mr. & Mrs. Quincy your late tonight! Victoria is in the day room waiting." With that he opened the door to let us into the next stage of my hell.

We walked down the hall to another door. This one was all steel with a wire meshed window and on the wall to the right a small window at eye level with a buzzer next to it. We buzzed and a face quickly appeared at the window. Eyes smiled at us in recognition and the door release buzzer sounded. As we walked down the brightly lit hall the nurse who let us in just smiled and continued on about her work.

As we approached the day room I heard a low humming. Tommy stopped me "Jude before we go in there I have to tell you what to expect." He was looking at me like this was a bad idea. "She's my mom I don't care." I mean how bad can she be right? Wrong! His grip on my arm got painfully tight. "Jude most days she doesn't know who I am. She tolerates me. Then on the really good days she knows it's you and….. "He trailed off. "What is it Tommy" I begged him. "Well for the most part she thinks that you were the one who was killed." Something punched at me as his words registered in my already fuzzy head. I had to see who she thought I was so I just started walking towards the mournful humming we heard.

The day room was nothing more than a giant playpen for adults. There were drawings on the walls. Dolls and stuffed animals littered a corner where a mat was thrown haphazardly on the floor. An arts and crafts table and a reading corner with about 20 books. The television was mounted high on the wall encased by Plexiglas; speakers were mounted in the ceiling. In the middle of the room sat my mother humming and rocking.

She turned when she heard us approach and her pale drawn face lit up and she smiled with her dry cracked lips she looked like something out of a zombie movie. "Stuart, Sadie you made it. I was starting to think that you weren't coming at all. Did you put flowers on Jude's grave and tell her I love her?" she inquired. Tommy just shook his head and went along with her little mental charade. "Yes, we did dear. How have you been today?"

The fragile calm was suddenly broken when she jumped up and screamed at me. "Why did you change your hair Sadie? Are you trying to break my heart? You look like your sister. You know she's dead right? You can't take her place not for one single second. Get out of here and don't come back until you stop doing the things you know will hurt me." With that she ran out of the room her slippers shuffling down the hall. I went to go after her and Tommy grabbed me and just shook his head and led me to the main entrance.

The nurse looked up at me with sympathy in her eyes and said "Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. You know she's not always like that." I just nodded and let Tommy lead me out. Once we got to the car I was getting in and I glanced at the ugly little building. That's when I saw her standing at the window waving to us as though the whole incident never happened. "Tommy we go through this every night?"

"Pretty much sometimes she is a bit difficult. They have tried medications, shock therapy they even let her go to Sadie's grave with us once on a day pass. We don't ask for those anymore. Nothing helps nothing changes she is trapped in whatever world she has created for herself."

We drove in silence all the way home. I was so tired I just wanted to sleep but I was afraid to. What if I woke up tomorrow and the same thing happened? What if I couldn't remember? What if Tommy had to do this all over again? I couldn't stop sobbing when I thought of what this might be doing to him. "Tommy I am so tired. When we get home can we just go to sleep? I can't take anymore of this today." He just nodded and reached for my trembling hand. I went on "I want you to promise me that you will hold on to me tonight and don't let go until I wake up and you know I am alright. If I'm not If I forget all of this again promise me you'll bring me to stay with my mom" I begged him. How much of this could he take?

"Of course we can go to sleep. Today has been rough on us both. I promise that I will hold on to you all night and in the morning too. I won't promise to bring you to Plainview though. Whatever this is we will work through it even if I have to do it everyday of my life for the rest of my life. I love you too much to live with out holding you every night." He held my hand for the rest of the drive home glancing at me occasionally to make sure I was ok. I was just staring out into the inky blackness of the night looking for something or someone that might trigger my memory.

We pulled into the driveway and Tommy helped me out and led me to the door. Before he opened it he looked at me and just kissed me so gently. He opened the door and left all the lights out we just went straight to our room. He picked me up and put me gently in the bed he then got in with me clothes and all. I felt so safe a secure as his strong arms wrapped around me.

I waited for sleep to come but it wouldn't. I just lay there enveloped in Tommy's loving arms. Somewhere deep in my mind I thought I heard voices. I tried to block them out they wouldn't stop. I tossed and turned but Tommy never let me go. "Do you want a glass of warm milk to smooth out the edges? Maybe help you sleep?" he asked me yawning. "No thanks I think I will be able to sleep if you maybe rubbed my back." So he did while he did that he still had one arm wrapped tightly around me like he would fight hell to hold me. It's a beautiful feeling and as I drifted of to sleep I prayed that I wouldn't forget this moment in the morning.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The steady staccato drumming of rain on the roof filled the dark silent room. I tried to roll over to look at the clock but Tommy had me in a vice grip hold. I gently pried his arms from me and got up. It was 11:00 am I can't believe we slept this late. Wait I remembered yesterday and all the horrible things that I was learning. That was a good thing if you want to call life tragedies a good thing. I remember them from yesterday woo hoo!

I went to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I had to search for everything. Apparently organizing the cabinets wasn't a priority for either of us. When the coffee was done I sat down at the table and looked at the CDs laying there. I put Tommy's in and sat back to listen. What I heard was something that I never expected.

Shattered

Lonely why do I feel this way

If you're so in love with me

Why do you stay away?

Heartache breaking down my pride

The closer that I get to you the more I hurt inside

Feeling I've been wrong about you

Try to justify

I'm feeling empty inside

I see the heartache you hide in your eyes

I'm feeling empty inside

Shattered

Shattered trying to get to you

Left my heart in broken pieces haven't been so true

Leave me in my barren world

When I try to give you all I hear the cry of love

There's no words and there's no time for

All the reasons why

I'm feeling empty inside

I see the heartache you hide in your eyes

I'm feeling empty inside

Shattered

I'm feeling empty inside

I see the heartache you hide in your eyes

I'm feeling empty inside

Shattered

Spoken word: yellow walls I light another cigarette

Rainbow dreams crossing through my eyes

Shattered pictures in my mind

Love lost lorn

Shattered shattered shattered yeah

I was crying and I didn't even care. He truly loved me. He was as lost without me as I was without him. "I wrote that the night you left." His voice startled me and I jumped up with the CD cover clutched to my chest.

"I didn't know you were awake." I stuttered lamely. How could he not be I had a concert going on in the kitchen. He chuckled at the look on my face and went and grabbed his own cup of coffee. He sat down and just looked at me. His gaze was penetrating as though he could see through me and read my thoughts.

"Yeah I was devastated that you left and even more devastated that you were going to move out after you came back. You wouldn't talk to me."

"I'm sorry Tommy I guess that's what I thought was the best thing for me at the time." I sat down next to him and put my head on his shoulder. He ran his hand through my hair and sighed contentedly. Before I could relax into him more he jumped out of the chair like a man on fire and ran out of the room. When he came back he had a book in his hand and a look of triumph on his face.

"I am a complete moron I don't know why I didn't think about this before. You keep a journal; you carry it with you everywhere. Maybe this will help." He said dropping the book on the table in front of me. It seemed so……… familiar but I wasn't sure I was ready for this. Could this book bring me back from the darkness that my mind was comfortable in? The answer could be here. If I relived it again what other damage could it do to me? Look where I am now. I forgot 5 full years of my life.

Tommy broke into my internal debate and said "Look why don't we have something to eat and maybe go for a ride somewhere? You don't have to jump right into your journal right now." I guess he's always saving me from myself. We decided to make some food at the house and skip the drive. I didn't want to go out in that dreary weather.

Later we were lying on the couch together wrapped in a blanket watching TV just enjoying not thinking of anything when the phone rang. I jumped up and answered it not thinking. "Hello" I sang into the phone. The voice that spoke to me was familiar and in an instant I knew. I didn't want to hear it, I wasn't sure why either, but it continued persistently.

"Jude, Jude will you please answer me? I know you don't want to talk to me but it's important." Dead silence "Jude damn it answer me! If you won't talk to me at least put Tommy on the phone can you do that?" I just handed it to Tommy without speaking and he took it with a look of growing concern and barked his hello at the phone.

"Tommy what's going on over there? What is Jude's problem?" my father questioned him. Why was he calling? "Uh Mr. Harrison this really isn't a good time maybe we could call you back." Tommy told him. He said nothing more he just nodded as though my father could see him and hung up the phone.

"Tommy, I think I need to read my journal now. I know I was mad at my father because he cheated on my mom but the feeling I got when I heard his voice, I can't explain it but I know it goes much deeper than that." He nodded and went to the kitchen and got it for me. As he handed it to me he went to walk away. "Tommy please stay with me. Read it to me." Begging, desperation in my voice.

"Jude it's always been the one thing you wouldn't share with me. I don't want to take that away from you now."

"I don't care Tommy. Look at where we are. If there is some clue as to how I got here and dragged you along with me then I want to know. I want US to know." He nodded and sat back down on the couch. We wrapped ourselves back in the blanket and we settled in for a long day. It was decided that we would read from the very first page.

Song Credit: Shattered Don Dokken


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